Excessive care can make children feel at a loss
Excessive care can make children feel at a loss
After the child enters the third year of high school, many families will enter a "wartime state" with the whole family. Everything is for the college entrance examination, and everything revolves around children. Some mothers even give up their jobs to accompany their children to study and exams. However, this is by no means a good solution, and it may be counterproductive. Although a child's college entrance examination is a major event, don't give up your own affairs because of this, and focus on taking care of the children who are in the graduating class.
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Mom Confused: Why Daughter's Grades Dropped 15 in a Row
Liu Yu is a high school student in a key middle school, and his academic performance has always been among the best in his class. After entering the third year of high school, in order to ensure that Liu Yu has good learning conditions, her mother quit her job and devote herself to being her daughter's "full mother". In order to ensure the nutrition of her daughter's three meals a day, Liu Yu's mother specially consulted a nutritionist and carefully considered her daughter's taste. After arriving home, Liu Yu's task is to study, and her mother will take care of all her daily necessities without her having to worry about it. When her daughter was studying, Liu Yu's mother and her husband set a three "no" policy: not watching TV, not listening to music, and not speaking loudly.
Soon, the mid-term exam arrived, and Liu Yu's grades plummeted by more than 10 places to 15th in the class. The mother was anxious, but she told herself that she could not put pressure on the child or let her carry a psychological burden. But in the next final exam, Liu Yu's grades continued to drop sharply, and he was already close to the 20th place in the class. At this time, the mother couldn't hold her breath anymore. She talked to her daughter and said, "Look, my daughter, my mother quit her job and worked so hard. You must understand my mother's painstaking efforts."
Unexpectedly, such a soft and euphemistic language broke her daughter. She said to her mother in tears, "I won't go to school!" She did what she said and stayed at home for the next two days.
Daughter's voice: If I don't pass the test, I will become a sinner
In the consultation room of the hospital, Liu Yu revealed his heart to the psychiatrist. After the final exam, her mother's heart-to-heart conversation made her feel extremely guilty. "My mother said that, I really want to die. If I don't get into a key university, wouldn't I be a sinner in my family? I don't go to school anymore." Although Liu Yu's mother was very careful not to create pressure on her children, Liu Yu said that the practice of her mother "giving up work and everything revolved around me" was a huge pressure in itself. "Mum doesn't want to create stress, but all she creates is soft stress," she said.
Liu Yu said that when she was in the first year of high school and the second year of high school, she had a very relaxed state of mind during the exam and rarely experienced anxiety; but in the mid-term exam of the third semester of high school, exam anxiety appeared, and she could not focus on the exam papers. I always worry about "what if I fail the exam?"
The psychiatrist asked Liu Yu if she had told her mother about her feelings. "No," Liu Yu said, "I'm afraid of hitting my mother. She paid so much, and I want to repay her with my grades, but in the end I really can't stand it anymore."
The psychiatrist asked Liu Yu's mother if she had ever thought that doing so would backfire. "I thought about it," Liu Yu's mother said, "but I'm afraid. If I didn't put in the effort, my daughter didn't get into the ideal university in the end, and I was the one who delayed her."
Finally, with the help of a psychiatrist, Liu Yu's mother and daughter reached the following two agreements.
Liu Yu's mother stopped accompanying her daughter. She went back to work and commuted at normal hours. Her main responsibility is to do her own job, not to accompany her daughter.
Liu Yu can watch TV, interact with classmates normally, and even sing karaoke once in a while, but he must tell his mother in advance.
This "inaction" approach has brought about huge changes. In the first exam of the second semester of senior year, Xiao Liu's grades returned to the top 10, ranking fourth in the class in the simulated college entrance examination.
In fact, Liu Yu's mother's resignation may be a bit extreme, but like the three-no policy she and her husband formulated - no TV, no music, no loud speech - many families with graduating children have adopted it. method. They seem to be afraid of making noises that interfere with their children's learning. However, Zeng Qifeng, a well-known domestic psychotherapist, said that compared with the "sound noises" such as watching TV, listening to music, and talking loudly, parents' expectations of such "silent noises" are more disturbing to their children. Therefore, parents of the graduating class should not revolve around their children, they should do what they have to do. When the college entrance examination is still quite far away, go to work when you need to work, listen to music when you need to listen to music, watch TV when you need to watch TV, and speak loudly when you need to speak loudly. It doesn't matter if the child doesn't complain. In fact, human attention is very wonderful. When the child is studying in the study, what the parents do can't disturb him.
Don't mess with the psychological boundaries between parent and child. The college entrance examination is mainly a matter for children, and parents should do whatever they want. If parents insist on invading the child's psychological space, problems are prone to occur.
Text / Dong Fang
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