When conflicts break out between children, should parents take care of them? Psychologists recommend four steps
Conflicts are a common occurrence among children. Since the property rights of both parties are not clear and their social skills have not been well exercised, they often magnify some seemingly insignificant things and become conflicts and disputes, such as toys The use of seats, or the order of seats, etc.
If each child feels that he should play first, or that the toy he likes should be his, there will be a power struggle.
And this has always been a headache for parents, who don't know whether they should take care of it or not.
The more popular educational point of view is: parents should let their children deal with problems by themselves, and don't interfere arbitrarily, so as not to add new troubles to things, and children can also grow from it.
But in reality, if you want to do this completely, it seems a bit unreasonable.
After all, it is very difficult to raise children completely according to the point of view of parenting, and the specific situation needs to be considered. For example, the conflict between the children has become relatively serious, or the parents are worried about affecting the relationship between the two parties. Thinking about it, it is really a dilemma.
Much has been learned about resolving conflict among children, and most parents make mistakes without realizing it.
This article will systematically solve this problem for you, including the following aspects:
■Examples of managing and not caring.
■Wrong way of interference by parents.
■The significance of conflict to children's development.
■If a child has a conflict with a friend, how should the parent intervene correctly?
01 Practical example
- tube
In this regard, there is an extreme of parental interference. Many parents think that if their child encounters a bully and the other parent does not educate them, then they themselves must educate them severely so that their children will not be bullied.
It is understandable in theory, but a more extreme case is also worthy of our deep thinking.
In May of this year, a father in Shangrao, Jiangxi, suspected that his daughter was being bullied by male classmates in his class, so he rushed into the classroom and brutally killed a 10-year-old boy.
But there is controversy over whether his daughter was actually bullied.
Although in reality, parental interference does not have such extreme results, it can also serve as a warning.
- Regardless
Hu Ke once said that sometimes Angie and Xiao Yuer quarreled, and interfering by himself made the problem worse. Because when she intervenes, both children begin to compete for the mother's support, thus making matters worse.
Once she didn't intervene, the two children quickly reconciled.
However, if things happen between their own children and other people's children, and their own children are obviously at a disadvantage, but the parents stand by and watch, it may also bring the child a sense of insecurity that "the parents don't love themselves".
02 When conflicts break out between children, should parents take care of them?
In fact, the answer to this question should be neutral.
If the conflict between the children is not particularly serious, the parents can observe from the sidelines, but don't take the initiative to solve the problem for him; if the child resolves the conflict by himself, the parents can review the situation afterward.
If it is your own child who made the mistake in this matter, tell him where he is wrong. The reason why you don't help him is to let him bear the consequences of his actions. If the child is the reasonable party in this matter, the parents can praise him for not only safeguarding his own rights, but also solving the problem without harming the other party.
But after all, children lack communication skills, and it is easy to solve problems roughly and escalate conflicts into fights. In this case, parents must intervene in time to prevent the child from being injured and causing unnecessary trouble.
However, many parents, in the process of interfering with their children's conflicts, handled them improperly, and instead magnified small things. This is also what we don't want to see.
03 Wrong ways parents deal with children's conflicts
- Cut the mess with a quick knife
Many parents feel bad when they see conflicts between their children. First, I was worried that the child would be injured, and second, I felt troublesome.
Moreover, they usually think that children's quarrel is a bad thing and it is not worth their time to deal with it, so they directly give orders to their children and plan to resolve the conflict immediately.
For example, if two children are arguing about a toy, the parent will directly order the child to put down the toy and give it to another child. If the child does not let go, use scolding or even criticism to make him obey.
In this case, parents are just trying to solve the problem quickly without considering respecting the emotions and feelings of the child.
- Give the child a plan directly
Still take the example of two children arguing over a toy.
Many parents think that they should solve the problem equally, so they suggest that the two children take turns to play.
There seems to be no problem with this method on the surface, but because the child does not practice it spontaneously, he still cannot truly accept the result of such a treatment from the bottom of his heart.
Maybe both children have the opportunity to play with toys, but this is meaningless to them.
- Rough solution
Pull the two children apart directly, and go back to their respective homes. Doing so may immediately end the conflict, but the child's inner conflict has not been resolved, but more layers of complaints.
After all, parents' eagerness to intervene in children's conflicts actually sees conflicts as a bad thing, which is not the case.
In the book "Accompanying Children Through the Sensitive Period of 3-6 Years", it is written: Children will learn how to deal with interpersonal relationships amidst the noise and form their own rules.
It can be seen that conflict is of great significance to the growth of children.
04 Conflict in the growth of children
■0~3 years old
At this time, because children have a certain degree of self-awareness, they begin to be self-centered and do not understand what belongs to others.
Therefore, at this time, they may appear in the way of "expressing love by attacking", and take a bite of whoever they like, which makes other children feel unhappy and conflicts break out.
■3~6 years old
Children's sense of self-assertion becomes stronger, and they may experience more conflict than before.
But because they already have certain communication skills and social skills, they can also learn how to deal with and grow in conflicts.
■Over 7 years old
Psychologically, children at this age are developing willpower and have to go through the steps of instinct-impulse-desire-motivation-desire-determination-decision.
Because the moral sense is not strong enough, instinctive impulse and desire may be the main way to determine the child's behavior. But they also have a certain degree of self-control, and will use words to persuade each other first, and then try violence.
If parents rush to deal with inappropriate ways when their children first have conflicts, it will lead to the primacy effect. That is, the information obtained for the first time will affect how children deal with conflicts in the future. The weak side becomes inferior, while the strong side tends to be more violent.
05 What is the correct way to intervene in children's conflicts?
Dr. Lawrence Cohen, a clinical psychologist in the United States, once recommended a step-by-step four-step method that parents can learn from.
Step 1: Take a step back and observe
Let the children try to solve the problem by themselves, but instead of letting it go and watching, they should stand by and observe quietly. Based on the behavior of the children, we can judge whether there is a conflict and whether it is developing in a more serious direction.
In fact, sometimes the conflicts between the children are not that big, and it may not take long for them to reconcile themselves.
But if the parents intervene in advance, the final result is that the two adults will fight.
This shows that the time for adults to intervene is too early, and this conflict has not really developed into the level of conflict that should be intervened. Such a classic scene is described in the cartoon "Father and Son".
This condition usually occurs among younger children.
Step Two: Reminder and Guidance
If it is found that the children's conflicts have escalated, parents need to give their children certain reminders. For example, stand where the child can see when he raises his eyes. When the child needs help, he can be found at any time.
This applies especially to language conflicts between children, and between 3-6 year olds.
Parents can use more questions and guidance to let their children figure out their own solutions.
Step Three: Shout Out Strongly
If the reminder is that intervention is ineffective, and the conflict has developed from verbal to physical, parents should intervene to prevent children from suffering physical harm.
But what we should pay attention to at this time is that it is not the parents who directly join the camp of their own children and suppress other children by bullying the younger, but stand up as adults and call for a stop. For example: You can't fight anymore, stop!
This is the protection of the vulnerable party, and it is also a necessary way to prevent the situation from continuing to get out of control.
Step Four: "Play" Conflict with Your Child
This method is more suitable for conflicts between two-child families and used for daily education. Parents can teach their children how to resolve conflicts through conflict games.
In the book "Game Power", a suggestion is given through the way of stories.
When the two children clashed over the same thing, the mother pretended to be a sword and cut herself in half, and divided it between the two children. Then imitate the child's words exaggeratedly: it's too unfair, mother's heart and stomach are on your side! No, mom is mine.
Soon, the two children were amused by the mother's performance, and the conflict was resolved.
Parents should understand that the conflicts that most children develop at first are not what they intended. It may be to get the attention of adults, or it may be to gain a sense of control.
As long as the adult can give the child enough space according to the severity of the situation, the child will not be deprived of the learning opportunity to solve problems independently, and he will be prevented from being injured during the conflict.