The more you train, the more rebellious you become? When the child is emotionally ''resisting'', please use the ''third party effect'' to teach

There was such a scene in the supermarket, the child looked at all kinds of novelty toys happily in the toy area, and the enthusiasm for love almost overflowed from those eyes, and after a while, the child's mother called his name, Come over from the fruit and vegetable section.

When the child's mother slowly approached, the child hurriedly pulled the mother to a shelf, pointed at the new remote control robot placed on it,

I am looking forward to acting like a baby to my mother: "Mom, look at this robot, it can dance!" ''

How can the child's mother not see what the child is thinking, and stop going around in circles with the child, persuading her: "Baby, Dad just bought you a toy car not long ago, isn't it? Buying new toys again? ''

The child pouted aggrievedly, staring at the toys on the shelf: "But this one looks more fun...""

''Be obedient, we have to go home as soon as possible, and my father will have dinner at home tonight. ''

Unexpectedly, the child suddenly became emotional and stood still, unwilling to move: "I don't! I want this toy! ''

''obedient! ''

''I do not! I do not! I want it! ''

The child burst into tears, and the shopping guide lady didn't dare to go forward and talk too much. Seeing the eyes of the people around her, the child's mother couldn't hold back her temper gradually. She reached out and grabbed the child's arm to drag the child away. The child resisted playing with all his strength.

When the child is disobedient, the mother reprimands it loudly. As a result, the child has no fear at all and confronts the mother.

Faced with children becoming more rebellious after training, it is definitely not a special situation encountered by a certain parent, but many parents will encounter it in educating their children.

One: The child has emotional resistance

Regarding the management and education of children, parents have always talked about it, and it is also the most prone to problems.

A common question is: ''Why did children listen to their parents so much before, but then become ignorant? Even began to resist the management of the parents, is the rebellious period coming? ''

There are many similar problems like this, but the essence is that parents feel uneasy and doubtful about their own deterrence, wondering why they are trying to discipline their children according to the plan, but unknowingly, the children have There has been a change, and I no longer obey my own arrangements.

In the eyes of parents, this is a manifestation of the child's disobedience and the arrival of the child's rebellious period, but in fact, this is a kind of growth.

The child's resistance is the most significant expression of the awakening of his self-awareness, and it is the child's exploration of himself.

In the face of parental arrangements and denials, the child chooses to defend his own ideas, and emotionally resists, which is likely to be caused by the following reasons:

1. Increased self-awareness

First of all, with the growth of age, children's ideas and concepts will slowly change. This is an effect that has been influenced by many aspects. Children will begin to slowly develop a concept of self-definition, which also starts from imitating adults. Consciousness gradually became clear. When children are about two years old, the germs of self-awareness appear. They begin to emphasize their own ideas and concepts, and they also begin to refute the arrangements of adults, and they want to follow their own choices.

2. Poor emotional control

There are many kinds of emotions, and the occurrence of many negative emotions brings about a more intense expression, which is the test of personal emotion management ability. The control of emotions is not innate. The younger the child, the more direct the expression of emotions. Similarly, the weaker the ability to control emotions. Guide and exercise, when negative emotions appear, children don't know how to restrain them.

3. Communication problems between parents and children

There are disagreements or misunderstandings between the child and the parents, but if the child’s language expression ability is not very good and cannot be quickly and accurately, give a brief summary of his own thoughts, and if the parents pay more attention to One's own coercion and neglect of children's ideas will result in the inability to make effective connections in communication, which will intensify the fermentation of conflicts and disputes, leading to more tension in the atmosphere.

Therefore, if you want to know how to solve the situation where the child becomes more rebellious and emotionally rebellious, you must first go back to the source and understand why the child behaves like this.

Two: Respond to the wrong practice of children rebelling against their parents

When faced with children's disobedience to discipline, especially if they don't appreciate good words of persuasion, parents may not be able to control their emotions well, and thus adopt other methods and attitudes to achieve their goals.

Generally, parents may make these two mistakes:

1. Violent suppression

This is the most common one. Parents feel that since their children don’t eat fine wine after toasting, there is nothing they can do about it. Going up to face their children is just a crackling reprimand, and even resort to some violent behavior. They want to use more drastic methods Come to make the child succumb, let the child feel fear, and dare not resist again.

This kind of behavior will cause harm to the child's body and mind, but will cause the child's negative emotions to be unreasonably vented, hurt the child's self-esteem, and may cause serious "sequelae", leaving hidden dangers to the parent-child relationship. Intensify the child's rebellious psychology.

2. Cold War-style handling

There is another kind that, even if the child is crying, the parents simply pretend that they did not see it, thinking that the child will be quiet when he is tired of crying. This kind of "cold treatment" solution is sometimes recognized by parents, who feel that the harm to children is less than that of violence. In fact, it is quietly the opposite, and the psychological harm caused to children is incomparable. of.

Children will develop inferiority complex, their sense of security will be greatly reduced, their personality will become introverted, and their emotional needs will not be met.

No matter what method is adopted, it will become a template for children to learn, and children will imitate their parents' methods in dealing with conflicts in the future.

Therefore, parents must be cautious about the methods and attitudes of dealing with conflicts and disputes, not only to reduce the damage to the parent-child relationship, but also to play a positive role in teaching children by precepts and deeds.

Three: "Third Party Effect" to resolve conflicts

There is a conflict with the child, and your own words will not work. At this time, you can try the "third party effect".

The principle of the so-called third-party effect means that the effect of persuading a person with a third-party's words is better than directly persuading a person.

This was proposed by Professor Davidson of Columbia University in 1983, and through experimental observation, the feasibility and authenticity of the third party effect were confirmed.

It is reasonable to apply this effect to parenting.

Why is a third party needed to ease the tense atmosphere and have a greater influence on the child?

This actually involves psychological issues. From the perspective of the parties involved, what the other party says is always self-interested, and confronting the two sides of the conflict is first of all to present the opposite.

Using the incident as an example at the beginning, no matter how the child’s mother dissuades her, from the perspective of the child, the mother is unwilling to spend money for herself, or the mother does not want to buy toys for herself. remote control car as an excuse to rebut.

So at this time, a third party is needed as an intermediary to regulate both parties at the same time.

Four: How to use the third party effect to teach?

So when we parents use the third party effect to educate our children, we need to pay attention to the following aspects:

1. Look at the problem from the perspective of the child

First of all, in order for the third party effect to play a more effective role, parents need to know how to empathize and think about problems from the perspective of children. Don't always think about children as an adult or a parent. and behavioral requirements.

2. Communicate effectively with children

When the child is willing to communicate with himself again under the persuasion of a third party, the parents must not come up and say, "Do you know that you are wrong?" ''This directly leads to the actual effect of the third party effect.

The correct approach for parents is to have an ideological understanding with their children, and to understand the other party's thoughts and concepts at the time, so as to alleviate and clarify conflicts, differences and misunderstandings.

3. Selection of the third party

Regarding the selection of a third party, it is not just a random person on the street. The first choice is someone who has a certain contact and close relationship with the child, and the child will trust his words more. In addition, the truthful and accurate statement of the process of the matter must be presented to a third party. Only in this way can the whole matter be understood and the persuasion be more effective.

Of course, we still advocate that when conflicts arise between parents and their children, parents should keep their emotions calm, consider their children's thoughts and feelings, strive to resolve conflicts more quickly and efficiently, and strive to maintain the intimacy of the parent-child relationship.