Conflicts break out between children, should parents care? Psychologists recommend four steps
Conflict is a common occurrence among children. Since both parties have unclear property rights, and their social skills have not been well exercised, they often magnify seemingly inconspicuous little things and become conflicts and disputes, such as toys. the use of seats, or the order of seats, etc.
If each child feels that they should play first, or that the toy they like should be theirs, there will be a power struggle.
And this has always been a headache for parents, and I don’t know if they should care.
The more popular educational point of view is that parents should let their children deal with problems by themselves and not interfere arbitrarily, so as not to add new troubles to things, and children can also grow from it.
But in reality, if you want to do this completely, it seems a bit unreasonable.
After all, it is very difficult to raise children according to the parenting point of view, and it is necessary to take into account the specific situation. For example, the conflict between the children has become relatively large, or the parents are worried about affecting the relationship between the two sides, it is really a dilemma to think about it.
There is a lot of knowledge about resolving conflicts in children, and most parents always make mistakes unknowingly.
This article will systematically solve this problem for everyone, including the following aspects:
■ Examples of tube and whatever.
■The wrong way of intervention by parents.
■ the meaning of conflict to children's growth.
■If a child conflicts with a small partner, how should parents intervene correctly?
01Real Cases
- Tube
In this regard, there is an extreme of parental interference. Many parents believe that if their child encounters a bear child and the other parent does not educate them, then they must educate themselves so that their children will not be bullied.
It is understandable in theory, but a more extreme case also deserves our deep consideration.
In May this year, a father in Shangrao, Jiangxi Province, suspected that his daughter was being bullied by a male classmate in the class, so he rushed into the classroom and brutally killed a 10-year-old boy.
But there is controversy over whether his daughter was actually bullied.
Although parental interference in reality does not have such extreme results, it can also serve as a warning.
- Regardless
Hu Ke once said that sometimes Anji and Xiaoyuer quarreled, and his own interference made the problem worse. The situation was exacerbated by the fact that when she stepped in, both children began to compete for their mother's support.
Once she didn't intervene, the two children quickly reconciled.
However, if something happens to one's own child and another's child, and their own child is clearly at a disadvantage, but the parents stand by and watch, it may also bring the child a sense of insecurity that "the parents don't love themselves".
02When conflicts break out between children, should parents take care of them?
In fact, the answer to this question should be neutral.
If the conflict between the children is not particularly serious, the parents can observe from the sidelines, but do not try to solve the problem for him first; if the child resolves the conflict by himself, the parents can review the situation after the event.
If it is your own child who made the mistake in this matter, tell him what was wrong, and the reason why he did not help him is to make him bear the consequences of his behavior. If the child is the reasonable side in this matter, the parents can praise him for safeguarding his own rights and for solving the problem without harming the other side.
However, children lack communication skills after all, and it is easy to rudely solve problems and escalate conflicts into fights. In this case, parents should intervene in time to avoid injury to the child and cause unnecessary trouble.
But there are many parents who, in the process of interfering with their children's conflicts, deal with it in an inappropriate way, and instead magnify small things, which is also something we don't want to see.
03 The Wrong Ways Parents Are Dealing with Children's Conflict
- Cut the mess with a quick knife
Many parents feel bad when they see conflict between their children. On the one hand, I am worried that the child will be injured, and on the other hand, I feel troublesome.
Moreover, they usually think that a child's quarrel is a bad thing and not worth their time to deal with, so they give the child an order directly, intending to resolve the conflict immediately.
For example, when two children are arguing about a toy, the parent will directly order the child to put down the toy and give it to another child. If the child does not let go, use scolding or even criticism to make him obey.
In this case, the parents are just trying to solve the problem quickly, without taking into account the respect of the child's emotions and feelings.
- Directly to the child program
Take the example of two children arguing over toys.
Many parents think they want to solve problems equally, so they suggest that the two children take turns playing.
This method seems to be fine on the surface, but because it is not practiced by the child spontaneously, it is still unable to truly accept the result of this treatment from the heart.
Maybe both children have the opportunity to play with toys, but it is no longer meaningful to them.
- Rough solution
Directly pull the two children away and go back to their respective homes. Doing so may immediately end the conflict, but instead of resolving the conflict within the child, there are more layers of grievances.
In the final analysis, parents who are eager to interfere in their children's conflict actually regard conflict as a bad thing, but it is not.
In the book "Accompanying Children Through the Sensitive Period of 3-6 Years", it is written that children will learn how to deal with interpersonal relationships and form their own rules in the noisy world.
It can be seen that conflict is of great significance to the growth of children.
04 Conflict in the development of children
■0~3 years old
At this time, the child has a certain self-awareness and begins to be self-centered and does not know what belongs to others.
Therefore, at this time, they may appear in the way of "expressing love by attacking", and they will bite whoever they like, so that other children will feel unhappy and conflict will break out.
■3~6 years old
Children's sense of self-assertion becomes stronger, and they may encounter more conflicts than before.
However, because they already have certain communication skills and social skills, they can also learn how to deal with and grow in conflicts.
■7 years old and above
Psychologically, children at this age are developing willpower, going through the steps of instinct-impulse-desire-motivation-desire-determination-decision.
Because the sense of morality is not strong enough, instinctive impulses and desires may be the main ways in determining the behavior of children. But they also already have a certain amount of self-control, and will use words to persuade each other first, and then try violence.
A primacy effect can occur when parents rush to handle a conflict in an inappropriate manner when a child first encounters a conflict. That is, the information obtained for the first time affects the child's handling of each conflict in the future. The weaker party becomes inferior, while the stronger party tends to be more violent.
05What is the correct way to intervene in children's conflict?
Dr. Lawrence Cohen, a clinical psychologist in the United States, once recommended a step-by-step four-step method that parents can learn from.
Step 1: Take a step back and observe
Let the child try to solve the problem on his own, but instead of letting it go and sitting on the sidelines, he should stand by and observe quietly. According to the actions of the children, it is judged whether there is really a conflict or whether it is developing in a more and more serious direction.
In fact, sometimes the conflict between children is not that big, and it may not take long for them to reconcile.
But if the parents intervene in advance, the final result is a fight between the two adults.
This shows that the time for adults to intervene is too early, and this conflict has not really developed to the level of conflict that should be intervened. In the comic "Father and Son", such a classic scene is told.
This condition usually occurs among younger children.
Step 2: Reminders and Guidance
Parents need to give their children certain reminders if they find that their children's conflicts have escalated. For example, standing in a place where the child can see when he lifts his eyes, when the child needs help, he can be found at any time.
This especially applies to language conflicts between children, and conflicts between 3-6 year olds.
Parents can let their children figure out a solution by themselves through questions and guidance.
Step 3: Strongly shout to stop
If the reminder is ineffective and the conflict has grown from verbal to physical, parents should intervene to prevent physical harm to their children.
But what should be noted at this time is that it is not the parents who directly join the camp of their own children to suppress other children's children by bullying the children, but stand up as adults and call for a stop. For example: You can't fight anymore, stop!
This is a protection for the weaker side and a necessary way to prevent the situation from continuing to spiral out of control.
Step 4: "Play" conflict with the child
This method is more suitable for conflicts between two-child families and is used for daily education. Parents can teach their children how to resolve conflicts through conflict games.
In the book "Game Force", a suggestion is given through the way of story.
When the two children clashed over the same thing, the mother pretended to be a sword and split herself in half and gave it to the two children. Then exaggeratedly learn the child's speech: it's so unfair, mother's heart and stomach are on your side! No, mom is mine.
Soon, the two children were amused by the mother's behavior, and the conflict was resolved.
Parents should understand that most conflicts that children develop in the first place are not their own. It could be to get the attention of adults, or it could be to gain a sense of control.
As long as adults can give children enough space according to the severity of the situation, they can not deprive children of learning opportunities to solve problems independently, and prevent him from being injured in the process of conflict.