Being friends with children, but raising 'problem children'? How Permissive Parents Do Moderation
The ancients often said that "a filial son is born under a stick", but now influenced by the new education from the West, everyone advocates being friends with children.
But being friends is doing it, but the parents have lost their minds. They are usually full of love for their children and are considered ideal parents by most children.
In fact, in terms of parenting, permissive parents are a kind of disguise, a typical phenomenon of using love and tolerance to cover up the lack of education.
Of course, this does not mean that parents do not love their children, but that they truly love their children and consider them in all aspects.
However, in order to avoid conflicts with their children, such parents sometimes have some behaviors that are contrary to the purpose of education.
For example, if a child is passionate about something for three minutes, the parents will say "it's okay"; if the child fails and fails, the parents will say "be happy", and never persuade the child to persevere.
Children who grow up in such conditions may seldom break out with their parents, but they are also less likely to be successful.
In 1966, a psychologist described the permissive parent as follows:
Permissive parents only see themselves as the source of giving their children everything they need, and do not take the initiative to assume the responsibility of shaping and educating their children.
In other words, they will not restrain their children, but intend to let the children regulate their own behavior. It sounds like this kind of education seems to respect children, but the problems it actually brings cannot be ignored.
Excessive freedom, for children who do not understand the rules of the world, is actually equivalent to a kind of doting. The specific mistakes can be divided into the following three points:
①Parents see themselves as friends of their children, not as parents who should take responsibility for education.
②In matters that require parents to make decisions, they instead seek their children's opinions.
③Will not arrange anything for the child, and will not let the child bear the responsibility for the consequences at an appropriate time.
01 Being friends with children, but raising "problem children"?
I talked about the educational blind spots of tolerant parents, and then I will briefly talk about the harm of tolerant education.
- Children do not have self-discipline
Self-discipline is not an innate skill.
After all, they are all controlled by human nature when they are born, and they don't know what morality is. Self-discipline needs to be formed through osmosis and moral norms under the growth framework provided by parents.
Strictly speaking, this is an existence of confrontational nature. If parents fail to establish appropriate rules and restrictions during the growth of their children and allow them to grow by themselves, it may lead to children lacking self-discipline when they grow up.
- Lack of emotion management ability
Because parents are too tolerant and never question their children's behavior, they will inadvertently miss many opportunities to manage their emotions.
For example, when a child makes a mistake, if the parents do not preach or guide, the child will become more passive in emotional management in the future.
- Not tolerant enough
Growing up in an overly permissive family often lacks conflict. Conflict, while bad, is an essential part of maintaining and improving relationships, friendships, and marriages.
Children can learn the ability to deal with anger. Therefore, sometimes parents are "lenient" and children do not have the opportunity to learn this skill.
- Impatient
Permissive parents will say "forget it" if they find that their children lack interest in something and want to give up, or face difficulties.
The consequence of this is that children and even adults will automatically give up due to fear of difficulties when they encounter things that they are not interested in or find difficult.
This leads to children's lack of patience, perseverance and persistence, and it is basically difficult to achieve great things.
02 Tolerant parents are extreme, and strictness and kindness are the correct attitude towards parenting
In fact, permissive parents have good intentions, they just want their children to be happy. It's just that they forget that such neglect will prevent children from mastering some necessary skills.
Parents should be kind to each other, and there is nothing wrong with being friends with and respecting children. But it is also necessary to have the authority of parents in order to effectively discipline children.
There is a law corresponding to the unity of opposites in all things, and it is not good to go to any extreme.
This requires that parents should neither be strict nor strict and limitless, neither be merciless nor be kind and infinite, but be strict and kind to each other and cooperate with each other.
Just like tolerant parents, they must not be tolerant blindly. They must set rules for their children so that their morality and abilities can be greatly developed.
03 How tolerant parents can achieve moderation, refer to the following three aspects
- Some things cannot be used to
As the saying goes, there is no rule without rules. But some parents will say that there is no other way if the rules are established but the children only know how to play tricks!
In fact, the nature of children determines that this will become a common problem in all families. Human nature is to seek refuge from the easy, and it is normal for children not to listen to the principles.
They often threaten by crying. If parents repeatedly lower their bottom line and principles because of this, then the child will know that it is effective.
Requirements are always met, resulting in children not having self-control, and will be found in more troubles in the future.
- Some things must be done by the children themselves
Some parents think that their children are young and it is troublesome to do things slowly, so they do everything, thinking that when their children grow up, they will naturally learn.
In fact, cultivating children cannot be achieved overnight. It is necessary to follow the law of their growth and development, and let them learn to do what they can at each stage.
Parents should tell their children what they need to do. The best kind of love is never a blanket, but a real teaching and teaching children how to solve problems.
After a long time, children can learn how to grow independently and become self-reliant in this process.
- Some responsibilities and consequences must be borne by the children themselves
In the picture book "I Love You Forever", there is such a dialogue.
Child: If I break the pillow and the feathers fly all over the place, will you still love me?
Mom: I love you forever, but you have to pick up the feathers that fall on the ground.
Child: If I spill painting paint on my sister's clothes, will you still love me?
Mom: I love you forever, but you have to give your sister a bath and wash her clothes first.
The mother's approach in this story is very worth learning. She took the trouble to promise her child "I will always love you", but at the same time, she did not forget to emphasize that the child must be responsible for his actions and bear the consequences of his actions.
Parents cannot help their children escape, and they cannot escape for a while. Children must bear the consequences of their mistakes and have the honesty and courage to face them.
04 write at the end
The parent-child relationship is indeed equal and does not mean possession and bondage. However, parents don't just need to be tolerant. Education is a practice.
Mo Yan once said: There are no naturally successful parents, and there are no parents who do not need to learn. Successful parents are made through continuous learning.
Parenthood is a practice of love and separation. Smart parents will not let their children feel barren and suffocated in life after separation, but give the strongest love when their children need care, and let go when they need independence.
Tolerant parents must do proper parenting and be strict and kind.