Be friends with children, but instead raise 'problem children'? How Permissive Parents Are Moderate
As the ancients said, "a filial son grows out of a stick." Today, influenced by the new education from the West, everyone advocates making friends with children.
But friends are doing things, but parents have lost their hearts. They are usually full of love for their children and are considered ideal parents by most children.
In fact, when it comes to parenting, the permissive parent is a camouflage, typically using love and tolerance to cover up a lack of education.
Of course, this does not mean that parents do not love their children, but they really love their children and care about their children in all aspects.
However, in order to avoid conflicts with their children, such parents sometimes have behaviors that are contrary to the purpose of education.
For example, when a child works for three minutes, the parents will say "it's okay"; if the child fails, the parents will say "be happy" and never persuade the child to persevere.
Children who grow up under these conditions may have fewer conflicts with their parents, but they are also less likely to be successful.
In 1966, a psychologist described permissive parents as follows:
Forgiving parents see themselves only as a source of giving their children everything they need, rather than taking the initiative to take responsibility for shaping and educating their children.
That is to say, they do not restrain the child, but intend to let the child regulate his own behavior. It sounds like this kind of education seems to respect children, but in fact the problems it brings cannot be ignored.
Excessive freedom, for children who do not understand the rules of the world, is actually equivalent to a kind of doting. The specific errors can be divided into the following three points:
①Parents see themselves as their children's friends, not as parents who should take responsibility for education.
②In matters that require parents to make decisions, they seek their children's opinions instead.
③ will not arrange anything for the child, nor will the child take responsibility for the consequences and the consequences at the appropriate time.
01 Be friends with children, but instead raise "problem children"?
I talked about the educational blind spots of permissive parents, and then let’s talk about the harm of permissive education.
- Children do not have self-discipline
Self-discipline is not an innate skill.
After all, they were all controlled by human nature when they were first born, and they did not know what morality was. Self-discipline needs to be formed through exposure and ethics within the framework of growth provided by parents.
Strictly speaking, this is an existence of an antagonistic nature. If parents do not establish appropriate rules and restrictions during the growth of their children and allow them to grow up, it may lead to a lack of self-discipline when the child grows up.
- Lack of emotional management skills
Because parents are too tolerant and never question their children's behavior, children will inadvertently miss many opportunities to manage their emotions.
For example, when a child makes a mistake, if the parents do not preach or guide, the child will become more passive in emotional management in the future.
- Not tolerant enough
Growing up in overly forgiving families often lacks conflict. Conflict, while not a good thing, is an essential part of maintaining and improving relationships, friendships, and marriages.
Children can learn the ability to deal with anger, so sometimes parents' "generousness" can also prevent children from having the opportunity to learn this skill.
- lack of patience
Forgiving parents say "forget it" when they find that their child lacks interest in something and wants to give up, or when faced with difficulties.
The consequence of this is that children and even adults, when they encounter things that they are not interested in or find difficult, will automatically give up due to fear of difficulties.
This causes the child to lack patience, perseverance and perseverance, and it is basically difficult to achieve great things.
02 Forgiving parents are extreme, and the correct parenting attitude is strict and compassionate
In fact, tolerant parents have good intentions, they just want to make their children happy. It's just that they forget that such neglect will prevent children from mastering some necessary skills.
Parents should be kind and compassionate, be friends with their children and respect them. But it is also necessary to have parental authority in order to effectively discipline children.
All things have laws corresponding to the unity of opposites, and it is not good to go to any extreme.
This requires parents to be neither strict, nor strict but unrestrained, neither unkind nor unrestricted, but to be strict and kind to each other and to cooperate with each other.
For example, tolerant parents must not be blindly tolerant. They must set rules for their children so that their morality and ability can be greatly developed.
03 How tolerant parents can be moderate, refer to the following three aspects
- Some things can't be used to
As the saying goes, there are no rules and no circles. But some parents will say that the rules are set but the children only know how to cheat, there is really no way!
In fact, the nature of children determines that this will become a common problem in all families. Human nature tends to take refuge, and it is normal for children not to obey the principle.
They often threaten to cry, and if the parents repeatedly lower their bottom line and principles because of this, then the child will know it works.
Requirements are always met, resulting in children not having self-control, and will be found by more troubles in the future.
- Some things must be done by the child
Some parents think that when their children are young, it is very troublesome to do things, so they take care of everything, and feel that when their children grow up, they will learn it naturally.
In fact, nurturing children cannot be achieved overnight. It is necessary to follow the law of their growth and development, and let children learn to do what they can at each stage.
Parents need to tell their children what they need to do. The best love is never to do everything, but to teach people how to fish and teach them how to solve problems.
Over time, children can learn how to grow independently and become self-reliant in this process.
- Some responsibilities and consequences must be borne by the children themselves
In the picture book "I Will Always Love You", there is such a dialogue.
Child: If I broke my pillow and the feathers flew all over it, would you still love me?
Mom: I will always love you, but you have to pick up the feathers that fall to the ground.
Child: Would you still love me if I spilled paint on my sister's clothes?
Mom: I love you forever, but you have to bathe your sister and wash your clothes first.
The mother's practice in this story is very worthy of reference. She takes the trouble to assure the child that "I will always love you", but at the same time does not forget to emphasize that the child must be responsible for his own behavior and bear the consequences of his own behavior.
Parents can't help their children escape, they can't escape for a while, and children must bear the consequences for their mistakes and have the honesty and courage to face them.
04 Write at the end
The parent-child relationship is indeed equal and does not mean possession and bondage. However, parents don’t just need to be tolerant. Education is a practice.
Mo Yan once said: There are no parents who are born successful, and there are no parents who do not need to learn. Successful parents are all through continuous learning and finally become.
Parenting is a practice of love and separation. Smart parents will not let their children feel barren and suffocated in their life after separation, but will give their children the strongest love when they need care and let go when they need independence.
Forgiving parents must do proper parenting, and be kind and compassionate.