'Raising children is troublesome', the real problem is not the children, the parents' self-healing should stop
Educating children is like a game of fighting monsters. It needs to overcome all kinds of difficulties and obstacles in order to upgrade all the way and reach the desired result.
Parents who have this kind of thinking actually have some problems in the way of education.
I can always hear a lot of people complaining: "The trouble of raising children is constant, one wave is not settled, one wave after another." In fact, the real problem is not the children, but the parents' self-healing.
In a report on the family education status of primary and secondary school students released by the Chongqing Institute of Educational Sciences, there are three key topics that have caused a lot of bloodshed: the traditional stick-style education is widely sought after; the communication between parents and children is flawed, leading to cold violence; A lot of money is spent on education investment, but it makes children with high IQ and low emotional quotient, and cultivates low-energy giant babies.
From this perspective, it seems to understand why Chinese parents and children are so anxious and distressed.
Because parents are raising their children condescendingly, but behind the love, how much hypocrisy and selfishness are hidden? Only when you calm down and think carefully can you find out.
Parents' self-healing, it's time to stop, don't destroy the baby without knowing it!
01 Take children as an accessory to face, just want to satisfy your own vanity
In the traditional Chinese concept, the birth of a child is often burdened with the wishes of his parents and family.
In particular, many parents have fallen behind in their own lives, so they can only pin their hopes on their children.
In "Wulin Biography", Tong Xiangyu is jealous when he hears that other children are learning painting and musical instruments, and they have already achieved results. On the grounds of "doing not want Xiaobei to lose at the starting line", he asked her to learn these skills as well, and said that kneading clay figurines would never be promising.
In fact, the most fundamental reason for her to do this is to satisfy her own vanity, which is also the epitome of thousands of parents.
Euphemistically, they say they don't want their children to lose at the starting line, but they don't really think about what they like and what they are good at.
Regardless of whether parents admit it or not, when they find that their children are behind others, the first thing that comes to mind is not whether the child will feel inferior, but that he can't hang on his face.
■Parents should think about what is true love for their children?
Is it to let children live a happy life, or to live a life with the task of fighting for their parents?
Parents who are confused about this can read the following passage.
Parent-child relationship is not a long-term possession, but a deep fate in life. Parents should give their children strong intimacy when they are young, so that they do not feel barren in childhood, and they should also withdraw in a timely and decent manner when the children grow up, so as not to suffocate the children in their future lives. Taking care and separation are the tasks of parents and should be accepted calmly.
In fact, parenting is a test of mind and wisdom. At important moments in a child's life, it is important to know whether to advance or retreat, to let go or to lead.
Raising a child is just for giving and appreciation, not asking him to be perfect, let alone fighting for my face. As long as he can exist in a healthy way, walk through this world of infinite possibilities, and give me the opportunity to walk with him for a while, that's enough.
This is probably the warmest and most touching answer a parent can give about why raising children.
Don't kidnap your child just because you have low self-esteem in your heart and ask him to meet his own expectations in order to gain recognition and envy from the outside world.
Children are not a kind of capital for their parents to show off, otherwise how unfortunate would his life be?
02 Treat harm as love and let children gradually lose their ability to live
This problem is especially acute in the age of only children. Sometimes parents think that what they give to their children is a deep love, but how can there be love in it? Just hilarious.
There are two types of spoiling problems, one is slavish spoiling, and the other is condoning spoiling.
- All-encompassing doting
The extreme of this kind of doting is nothing compared to the news that I saw before, "The 37-year-old son is overly doted by his mother, and he can't take care of himself when he eats and drinks."
A 64-year-old mother wanted to apologize to her 37-year-old son. She deeply realized that it was her own mistakes that spoiled her child as a "crippling person". She couldn't flush the toilet. After washing, put it in your mouth before eating.
The child knows that even if he doesn't do it, the mother will help him do it all, thus forming a deep-rooted laziness.
In fact, he was not like this at the beginning. The mother once had the opportunity to organize a trip and asked her son what to do?
The son didn't say anything like I need you and you can't go, just leave the water and roast chicken, but the mother decided not to leave after hearing this.
The problem behind this is that it is not that the son is dependent on the mother, but that the mother is overly attached to the child.
Do children really need their parents to do so much? In the end, it's just a parent's hilarity. They worry that they will no longer be needed when their children grow up, and they feel empty inside.
Parents sacrificing their own happiness and giving everything to their children are actually the most terrible gift.
Isn't this a huge psychological pressure on children? As a result, everyone in the family felt powerless to deal with a child, and the child lost his basic ability to live.
- Indulgent indulgence
There is a lot of news like this. For example, when the request for 20,000 yuan to repay the bank loan failed, he beat up the elderly and thin mother on the street; because the mother did not meet her requirements, she even kicked several feet...
Writer Wu Zhihong once said: The collective psychological age of Chinese people is no more than one year old, and it is still in the period of oral desire.
It is true that a child who grows up in pampering is still a baby in his mental age, despite his physical age. He only knows how to ask for things indiscriminately, and when he is not satisfied, he will act foolishly, and even use violence to disguise himself as being powerful.
This is a devastating way of teaching and a lazy and irresponsible parental love that is, in essence, hurtful.
As Rousseau said, being obedient to a child can make him unfortunate.
Children who receive special treatment from their parents will never understand how difficult the world really is. And it's time for these self-proclaimed "bear parents" to realize their own problems.
03 Take "for your own good" as the shackles that bind children's lives
In the film "Galaxy Tutorial", what is presented is an educational contradiction between "mother's love for you" and "respectful father's love".
In the movie, Ma Fei's mother asked her child to go to a boarding school, and she had to listen to her words and go to Tsinghua University and Peking University, and all the requirements were based on one sentence: I am your mother, and I am for your own good.
This is a kind of strong education called "I gave birth to you, you have to listen to me". If reasoning doesn't make sense, then ethics.
And this is also a sentence that children hate deeply. They should have their own lives, but they cannot live according to their own wishes. They can only live like marionettes towards their parents' plans.
Such parents think that they are good to their children, choose schools, majors, find jobs for their children, arrange marriages, and even screen their children's friends. They feel that they have lived twenty years longer than their children and have more life experience.
In fact, everything is just to hope that the child will become a better version of himself. But have parents thought about it? Are you really happy in your own life? Why let the child live as another you!
The choice you think you made for the child is actually not the child, but only yourself. Isn't this a kind of self-esteem?
And Ma Fei's father taught his children to stop and think about what they want. When other people's children were working hard on practice questions, he took them to the aerospace exhibition and felt the world with his heart.
What he gave his children was not the knowledge in textbooks, but the power from the heart.
04 Don't let children live like mediocrity, this is a kind of sadness
There are too many parents who fall into the trap of self-exaltation, but they don’t know it themselves. They think they are not wrong. They have done it for generations and even the people around them. If they don’t keep up, what can they do?
Can only forget that children should be unique.
And parents' vanity, anxiety and fear of the unknown make them worry that their children are just as mediocre as themselves. So he took on the role of a carpenter, trying to smooth out the edges and corners of the child and put them into the same mold, which seemed to go wrong. But when all children look the same, they lose themselves.
Children are like seeds with unlimited potential for development. Parents must discover their unique advantages from multiple perspectives, and believe that children are the protagonists of their own lives and should have a free, independent and wonderful life.
You must know that there is an unfair confrontation between parents and children. Parents can choose their children, but children cannot choose their own parents. In other words, they were forced to come into this world, and it would be too tragic to accept the moral kidnapping and manipulation of their parents!
Please don't be a self-assured parent, leave the happiness of your children to their own choice and experience! It is good to be guided without coercion, warm and not spoiled.