'Raising children is in constant trouble', the real problem is not the children, the parents' self-promotion should stop
Educating children is like a game of fighting monsters. You need to overcome all kinds of difficulties and obstacles in order to upgrade all the way and reach the desired result.
Parents who have this kind of thinking actually have some problems in the way of education.
Usually, you can always hear a lot of people complaining: "There are constant troubles in raising children, one wave is not smooth, and another wave will arise again." In fact, it is not the children who are really problematic, but the self-satisfaction of the parents.
In a report on the family education status of primary and middle school students released by the Chongqing Academy of Educational Sciences, there were three major topics that caused a bloodbath: the traditional stick-style education is widely sought after; defective communication between parents and children leads to cold violence; Spend a lot of money on education investment, but let the children have high IQ and low EQ, and cultivate giant babies with low energy.
From this perspective, it seems understandable why Chinese parents and children are so anxious and miserable.
Because parents are raising their children condescendingly, but behind the love, how much hypocrisy and selfishness are hidden? You can only find out if you calm down and think carefully.
It's time to stop the parents' self-indulgence, don't ruin the baby without knowing it!
01 Treat children as appendages of face, just want to satisfy their own vanity
In the traditional Chinese concept, the birth of a child is often carried with the hopes of parents and the family. He must stand out in order to honor his ancestors and make his parents face.
In particular, many parents have already fallen behind in their own lives, so they can only pin their hopes on their children, which is a bit like "one person can ascend to heaven with enlightenment".
In "Wulin Biography", Tong Xiangyu heard that other children are learning painting and musical instruments, and have already achieved results, so she is jealous. With the reason of "I don't want Xiaobei to lose at the starting line", I asked her to learn these skills, and said that making clay figurines will never be successful.
In fact, the most fundamental reason for her to do this is to satisfy her own vanity, which is also the epitome of thousands of parents.
In the name of not wanting the child to lose at the starting line, but without really considering what the child likes and what he is good at.
Regardless of whether the parents admit it or not, when they find that their child is falling behind, the first thing that comes to mind is not whether the child will have low self-esteem, but that he can't hold his face.
■Parents should think about what is the real love for their children?
Is it to let the children live a happy life, or to live a life with the task of fighting for their parents?
Parents who are confused about this can read the passage below.
The parent-child relationship is not a long-term possession, but a deep fate in life. Parents should give their children strong intimacy when they are young, so as not to make them feel impoverished in childhood, and they should also withdraw in a timely and graceful manner after the children grow up, so as not to suffocate the children's future life. Care and separation are the tasks of parents, and they must be accepted calmly.
In fact, being a parent is a test of heart and wisdom. At important moments in a child's life, one must know whether to advance or retreat, let go or guide.
Raising a child is just for giving and appreciation, not asking him to be perfect, let alone fighting for my face. As long as he can exist in a healthy state, it is enough for me to have the opportunity to walk with him for a while in this world of infinite possibilities.
This is probably the most heartwarming and touching answer a parent can give about why raising children.
Don't kidnap your child because of your low inner self-esteem and require him to meet his own expectations in order to gain the recognition and envy of the outside world.
A child is not a kind of capital for parents to show off, otherwise how unfortunate would his life be?
02 Treat harm as love, let children gradually lose the ability to live
This problem is especially serious in the age of only children. Sometimes parents think that what they give to their children is deep love, but they don't know how there is love in it? Just hilarious.
Regarding the problem of spoiling, it can be divided into two types, one is pampering, and the other is spoiling.
- Take-over spoiling
The extreme of this kind of doting is nothing more than the news that "37-year-old son is over-spoiled by his mother and can't take care of himself by eating, drinking and lassing" that he saw before.
A 64-year-old mother wanted to apologize to her 37-year-old son. She deeply realized that it was her mistake that made her child a "disabled person". After washing, put it in your mouth before eating.
The child knows that even if he doesn't do it, his mother will do it all for him, thus forming a deep-seated laziness.
In fact, he was not like this at the beginning. My mother once had the opportunity to organize a trip at work and asked her son what to do?
The son didn't say that I need you and that you can't go. He just said that it's fine to leave the water and the roast chicken, but the mother decided not to go after hearing this.
The problem behind this is that it is not that the son is dependent on the mother, but that the mother is overly attached to the child.
Do children really need their parents to do so much? In the final analysis, this is just a parent's self-congratulations. They worry that they will no longer be needed when their children grow up, and they feel empty inside.
Parents who sacrifice their own happiness to give everything to their children are actually the most terrible gift.
Isn't this a huge psychological pressure on the child? As a result, the whole family felt powerless to deal with a child, and the child lost his basic ability to live.
- Permissive doting
There are quite a lot of news like this. For example, when Xiang asked for 20,000 yuan to repay the bank loan but failed, he beat up an elderly and thin mother on the street;
The writer Wu Zhihong once said: The collective mental age of Chinese people is no more than one year old, and they are still in the stage of oral desire.
Indeed, a child who grows up in permissive pampering is still a baby in mental age despite being an adult biologically. He only knows how to demand unrestrainedly, and once he is not satisfied, he will act foolishly, and even use violence to pretend that he is very powerful.
This is a destructive way of education, and it is also a lazy and irresponsible love of parents, which is actually a kind of harm in essence.
As Rousseau said, being obedient to a child can make him an unfortunate person.
Children who enjoy special treatment from their parents will never understand how difficult the world is. And it's time for these self-proclaimed "bear parents" to realize their problems.
03Take "for your own good" as the shackles that bind children's lives
In the movie "Galaxy Tutorial", what is presented is an educational contradiction between "good mother love for you" and "respectful father love".
In the movie, Ma Fei’s mother asks her children to go to boarding school, and they must listen to her words to enter Tsinghua University and Peking University. The reason for all the requirements is only one sentence: I am your mother, and I am for your own good.
This is a kind of strong education called "I gave birth to you, so you have to listen to me". If reasoning doesn't make sense, then talk about ethics.
And this is also a sentence that the children hate deeply. They should have their own lives, but they can't live according to their own wishes. They can only live like marionettes toward their parents' plan.
Such parents think they are good to their children, choose schools, majors, find jobs for their children, arrange marriages, and even screen friends around their children on their own initiative. They feel that they have lived more than twenty years longer than their children and have more life experience.
In fact, everything is just to hope that the child will become a better self. But have parents thought about it? Are you really happy in your own life? Why let the child live as another you!
The choice you think you make for your child is actually not the child, but yourself. Isn't this a kind of self-gratification?
And Ma Fei's father taught the children to stop and think about what they really want. When other people's children were studying hard for practice questions, he took the children to see the space show and feel the world with his heart.
What he gives to children is not the knowledge in textbooks, but the power from the heart.
04 Don't let children live a mediocre life, it's a kind of sadness
There are too many parents who fall into the trap of self-indulgence, but they don’t know it. They think that they are not wrong. Their ancestors and even the people around them have done this. If they don’t keep up, what can they do?
But the only thing I forgot is that children should be unique.
And parents' vanity, anxiety and fear of the unknown make them worry that their children will be as ineffective as themselves. So he took on the role of a carpenter, trying to smooth out the edges and corners of the child and put it into a mold that is unrecognizable and uniform, so that it seems that nothing will go wrong. But when all children look the same, they lose themselves.
A child is like a seed with unlimited potential for development. Parents must discover the unique advantages of their children from multiple perspectives, and believe that children are the protagonists of their own lives and should have a free, independent and wonderful life.
You must know that it is an unfair duel between parents and children. Parents can choose their children, but children cannot choose their parents. In other words, they were forced to come into this world. If they still have to accept the moral kidnapping and manipulation of their parents, it would be too tragic!
Please don't be self-proclaimed parents, leave your children's happiness to their own choice and experience! It is good to be guided without coercion, warm without spoiling.